Asheville '09 - Part 3

Friday 1400

I crawled out of the lab in the afternoon and followed Joshua and his wife Lauren to the Clear Channel radio studios where Joshua was going to fill in for Matt Mitan (Take a Stand) [radiovoice]on 570AM WWNC[/radiovoice]. And guess who was cordially invited to sit in on the broadcast? This guy!

I gave my opinion of Tennessee's new "Guns in Bars" law and commented a little on the national healthcare thing that everyone's been talking about. A fun three hours if I may say so myself. We were joined by Micah and Agnes, the show's producer. I've met a couple of Agneses in my life but never one under the age of 60... or quite as purty.

While we were on the the air, Bele Chere kicked off downtown. Bele Chere is the summer street festival in Asheville. This year they had four music stages and the streets were lined with vendors hawking everything from pan flutes to Pisgah Ale. I caught the tail end of a set from the Dirty Guv'nahs out of Knoxville, then I grabbed some grub. I ate what was supposed to be a steak and cheese sandwich that required eight napkins and a bottle of hand sanitizer to get off my face. Due to the carnival flair exuded by Bele Chere, I was extremely disappointed to not find a fried snickers bar stand. But being able to drink on the street made up for it. There's something I find liberating about drinking outside or smoking inside. It must of been awesome to smoke on an airplane 30yrs ago, but then some whiny bitches complained and the price of plane tickets went up to cover the cost of removing ash trays from the armrests.

Joshua, Lauren, Forrest, and I browsed around the festival and stumbled upon the Camel cigarette tent [no smoking allowed inside, ironically (I think that's the proper way to use the term "ironically")]. The Camel people provided me with some free SNUS [sarcastic]YAY![/sarcastic] and a pack of Camel crush. They also provided the opportunity to have your picture taken with a couple of good lookin' Camel girls in front of a green screen where they would imprint a background of some cityscape. What am I going to do with that? Put it next to the photos of hot chicks I had taken in non-imaginary locations? The free cigarettes where nice though.

Later we moved over to Skybar which is a fire escape balcony that alcohol is served at. It's acutally a pretty cool place if you're with couple of friends. There's a nice view and it's the only bar I've been to with an elevator attendant. Who knows what wonders this fair city will have in store for me tomorrow?

Saturday

Wake up. Check. Shower. Check. Consume a box of Pillsbury Toaster Scramblers. Check.

I went to pick up my dry cleaning but missed them closing by 15 min. So I just headed over to Burgermeister's for a late lunch. Yeah! Good brew selection and great food. I grabbed a Wedge Pale Ale and a Cowboy Country or Country Cowboy something... it was a bacon cheeseburger w/BBQ sauce. These are some big ass burgers so bring your appetite.

After eating a lunch that was sure to result in a 5lb. dump the next morning, I went downtown for day two of Bele Chere. I met up with Joshua at the 570AM tent which was next to one of the music stages. Charles Sayles was jammin' away on the harp while Not Danny McBride was wailing on guitar.


He has a great sound. I'd love to catch him at Bourbon Street Blues and Boogie Bar in Nashville if he ever comes through. After my blues fill, I headed to another stage across the downtown area to see Sons of Ralph. They're a North Carolina bluegrass band who's lead singer, Ralph Lewis, has been playing since the 1940s.

That evening I got to sit in on Speaking of Strange (Joshua's radio show I mentioned earlier). Left for home the next day and got pulled over in Knoxville. Here's some more pic's of the festival:







In addition to my stay in Asheville during the summer, I returned in October to attend a dinner show with a psychic entertainer. A psychic entertainer is a magician/conjurer/mentalist that puts on a show simulating psychic powers. We took part in a recreation of a Victorian era seance. We were at the Madison Inn in Black Mountain, NC. It's a bed and breakfast. Emphasis on breakfast. Great place to eat when you're in the area. Rooms are reasonably priced as well. Made it back home the next day. A week later, a rock slide took out I-40 in the winding "gorge" area just between Tennessee and North Carolina. Looks like the next trip is going to be the long way.

Asheville '09 - Part 2

Day 2 - Thursday



Oh my God! I've never seen so many hippies before in my life. They're nice people, but I have a feeling that the shampoo market around here is in the shitter. Lots o' hippies indeed, but the gay population helps balance out the census. As a matter of fact, with all the hippies and gays, there's only about 50% of women here that you can say with certainty that are straight. I have nothing against hippies or gays; I'm just stating the obvious. Some of my best friends are hippies and gays... ok, maybe not, but I have at least one hippie friend and one gay friend and one that is possibly both. Most of my friends are comedians that have grown bitter due to failed relationships. they're nice guys, just don't get them started on the sanctity of marriage.

Alright, I had to drop off some dry cleaning. A suit and a sports jacket that had what I could only hope was a chipotle mayo stain on it. "You can pick it up at 4:30 tomorrow." Then off to down town Asheville. Camera in hand, I walked along the Grove Arcade (which was used to house the Declaration of Independence and Constitution during WWII, btw. Trust me, you want me on your team for bar room trivia.), grabbed a chocolate malt at the Woolworth lunch counter, snapped a few shots of Basilica St. Lawrence, and headed on back to the lab.


Joshua teaches classes on paranormal investigation and I sat in on one with Shelly. The class was covering psi phenomena. In a demonstration using Zener cards, we got some very interesting results. I also had a Kirlian photo taken (for those of you not familiar with Kirlian photography, get to googlin'). I've heard the argument "if psychics exist then why don't they play the lottery?" I have an answer, but it is so well thought out that my philosophical prowess would make me irresistible to women, and I couldn't seep at night knowing that any woman who reads this blog would never be satisfied courting any other man. Consider the omission of this answer my contribution to humanity.


Late in the night, we were joined by paranormal blogist Micah Hanks (GralienReport.com). Micah is a musician and member of L.E.M.U.R. For some reason, I've never been able to spend more than 5 min. talking to him in the past even though we've met a number of times. However, this evening we were able to make up for it by exchanging stories of how we had been profiled by the police. That's worth at least an hour of conversation.

So what's on the plate for tomorrow? Tune in to find out. Same Joe time. Same Joe channel. However, that channel is an aerial digital broadcast, so it will freeze up every thirty seconds and occasionally you'll lose the signal completely. Thank goodness the Guberment made us switch over.

Asheville '09 - Part 1

I had some vacation time I needed to use up and I couldn't think of any better way to spend it than heading to the next state over to visit with some friends that I've known for a few years now. So with a carton of cigarettes and a beaten up cowboy hat in hand, I filled her up and, using my car as a prophylactic, made love to the pavement.

Wednesday 1730 hrs.

After finishing a riveting seminar on aircraft fuel fire fighting techniques, I immediately hit the road and headed to the San Francisco of the South: Asheville, NC. Leaving Nashville, TN, the rain didn't help my 4 1/2 hour drive. Luckily, I had 10 hours of Coast to Coast AM downloaded to my iPod so the JFK assassination theories of Jim Marrs kept me company the whole way there. The rain cleared up about an hour into my drive. Then it was smooth sailing. That is until I hit "The Gorge". This winding 30 minute drive through the mountains on I-40 will have your asshole puckered tighter than Baryshnikov's unitard.

Upon arrival in Asheville, I met up with local radio personality and paranormal expert Joshua P. Warren at Asheville Pizza & Brewing Company. It's a brewpub that serves pizza and has a movie theatre in it. How sweet is that?
Joshua, who you may remember from my posts on Puerto Rico, was accompanied by Christopher McCollum of Haunted Asheville Ghost Tours, Vance Pollock (the only person in Asheville I've seen who's taller than me), and numismatist Shelly Wright.

It was about midnight so we headed to what was to be my abode for the next five days the L.E.M.U.R.* laboratory which was equipped with bedroom and bathroom facilities. The latter being the most important of course. I can sleep in my car, but I'm going to have reservations about pinching off a loaf in the back seat. At the lab, Joshua demonstrated some of the experimentation being done there with Schlieren photography and something known in small circles as a "coherent threadlike stream". Cool stuff. Also, later that night, Forrest Connor joined us and I was officially sworn in as a member of L.E.M.U.R. Then off to bed I was planning on exploring th downtown area Thursday before set up for the weekend's Bele Chere festival.


*L.E.M.U.R. is the League of Energy Materialization and Unexplained Phenomena Research. It is a paranormal investigation and research group based in Asheville, NC. It's president/founder Joshua P. Warren hosts the radio show Speaking of Strange, is a regular on the national late night radio show Coast to Coast AM, and has been featured on Discovery, Travel Channel, TLC, Sci Fi, and the History Channel.

Lexington - July '09

Lexington. I had spent a little time there about six years ago when I was a salesman. Interesting place. One time back then, some coworkers and I happened upon a quaint Irish pub. We got there early and started drinking. Eventually the crowd filled in and I had to "break the seal". In the bathroom, there was a gentleman talking on his cell phone and I noticed he had and Irish accent. "Imagine that", I thought. An actual Irishman in this Irish bar in Kentucky. In Nashville, we don't get many Irish persons at Dan McGuinness or McFadden's or Bailey's or Mulligan's... you get the point. And there was a real to life Irish guy in this place. When I left the restroom, I noticed that everyone in the bar was Irish. What the ef, man? Eventually someone explained that due to the large horse breeding and training industry in the area, many Irish folks have moved to the area to practice their craft. But whenever I stop to ask for directions, is it ever a bonnie Irish lass looking to party with a 6'5" American mutt? No, it's always Dina the meth addict holding a sign that says "Tooth Fun" (I'm pretty sure the sign was supposed to say 'Fund', but maybe meth IS tooth fun). You can't let that discourage you though. Lexington has a great scene, but I'll only be discussing one place in this blog entry.

A comic buddy of mine, Greg, moved to Lexington some months back and sometimes runs a comedy show at a nice little place called The Chase Taproom. Unfortunately, you can't smoke in the bars in Lexington, but some places such as Chase will let you drink outside. So I forgive them.

This was Greg's first anniversary of performing standup and a few Nashville-based comics, including myself, headed up to perform. Here's Greg:

He's a lady's man as you can tell. His girlfriend Liz:

Her interests include large jewelry and guys with Wolverine beards.

Among the comics that I performed with were Terry Cliburn, Angela Hill, and X Man.



It was a great show. This was my second time performing there. The crowd has been awesome both times. Last time I was in town, after the show, a couple Greg knows invited us over to their place and I drank a lot. "Can I get you something to drink?" "A beer would be great." "Ok. How about this huge glass of whiskey instead.?" Good people. Here's a link to my other blog describing the last time I was there.

I can't really comment on the food in Lexington. My culinary indulgences there are limited to Waffle House and honey roasted peanuts, but the beer selection at the bars is awesome. Kentucky isn't just a bourbon state. Below is our bartender Steve and some drunk chick he pissed off.

Kentucky also has a great group of people living there. Everyone has been very friendly. Here's Nikki. She's a medical technologist and has a special talent that would probably be rather uncouth to mention. No, it doesn't involve a ping pong ball... but it could.

Greg was kind enough to let me crash at his place. Great view from 14 stories up. I think this is a church or something.

All in all a great trip. It's a 3-4 hour drive one way but a couple mp3's of Coast to Coast AM on my ipod made it extremely bearable. I'll be heading to Asheville, NC next week so it looks like I'll be brushing up on my government conspiracy knowledge on they way over there. The Bele Chere festival will be going on and I'll be doing some interesting things with Joshua Warren who you may remember from the Puerto Rican entries that started this blog. I'm looking forward to it. Asheville was just rated No. 1 beer town in America (tied with Portland, OR). I'll have to test that judgment for my self. Until next time, stay smokin', my friends.

Easter Weekend in the Ozarks '09

Howdy folks. I haven't done much traveling recently, but I did take a trip to visit my dad's family in Missouri over Easter weekend. I always enjoy going out there. It's a serene cattle farm with a great view to the west. Also it's miles away from a town with about 15,000 people so less noise, less traffic, less worry.



However, this post seems to counteract the theme I've been trying to establish. You see, instead of smoking a carton of cigarettes on my trip, I actually abstained from smoking the entire trip (3 days). No one else in my family smokes, my grandfather is an ex-smoker, and I'm always catching flack from my parents for smoking. So... nicotine free from Friday to Monday. It was an exercise in will power. Not the will power to not smoke, but the will power to not kill my relatives. I love my family, but you know how those gatherings can be. Now remove the cigarette factor and add my less than normal sleeping habits... let's just say it could have gone a lot worse.

It's an 8 hour trip, and I had just gotten off of work at 0600 hrs then met my parents at noonish. I was able to sleep the entire way. Not much to see along the way other than kudzu and a bridge. So no pictures of the trip itself (you're not missing anything).



My grandparents have a dog. I don't remember it's name. This is the dog.



Saturday was spent feeding cattle and stacking wood. You know, stuff that people do when they're not blogging or making batch edits from a wedding shoot. The farm house has a wood furnace, hunting land, and a well. So I know where I'm going when the Apocalypse comes in 2012. Also we played a little game known as hit some balls with a big plastic bat. My brother the athlete, ladies and gentlemen:


And Uncle Ron


Sunday: Easter service at the local Methodist church. I'm not a Methodist myself, but I've been to many services and I must say that they can be as dry as astronaut ice cream. This one on the other hand was actually a little entertaining. Especially considering that the pastor is 96 years old (not a comical exaggeration). Easter egg hunt for the kids and a huge pot luck dinner. Ham, stuffing, deviled eggs, hashbrown casserole, green beans with meat in them, mashed potatoes, some other stuff. It was awesome; trust me. Just ask my brother, Adam.



All in all, it was a good trip. It was nice to get away for a little bit... would of been nicer if I could've toasted a lung, but that made it sort of a vacation from my asthma as well.

Travel tip: When in southern Missouri or anywhere else within the Highland Dairy distribution area, be sure to pick up their french onion dip. It's awesome, and we don't get it here in Tennessee.

It was great to see everyone again. Always a pleasure. Everyone say "cheese".

Puerto Rico '08 - Day 5

11.21.08

I was beat when I got in the night before. I also think I may have ingested some of the salty mangrove water full of glow germs from the Bio Bay because I had the shits something wicked when I woke up.

Joe's Travel Tip: Pepto Bismol, Pepto Bismol, Pepto Bismol.

That didn't stop me from catching breakfast at Labombanara with the guys. We were scheduled to go the Bio Bay today, but due to a plankton infestation or something we went the day before, meaning that we were pretty much free. What to do, what to do?

Son of a Beach!

We got our snorkel gear and hopped a cab to a public beach named Escambron on the eastern side of Old San Juan. The beach had a coral reef that sort of horseshoed around it which kept the breaker waves from coming ashore. Cheer, beer, and snorkel gear. Who could ask for anything more. We diddled around in the water for a few hours while not tanning. If you think a white guy who's worked night shifts for eight years is easy to spot in Puerto Rico, then you haven't seen him with his shirt off yet. I think I could signal the space station with the blinding reflection off of my back. I didn't burn though. SPF 30 in an aerosol can. Buy some.

A few hours of leisure and we were headed back to the hotel to get ready for dinner. The beach was lined with tons of coconut trees. A man with a shopping cart was collecting the fallen coconuts and whittling one side to a point with a machete. He asked if anyone wanted to purchase one. (Here it comes. Overcharge the gringo touristas because they'll pay anything for a novelty.)

"How much?"
"A dollar."
"Deal!"

One swipe of the machete and he lops off the top of the point leaving a hole from which you can drink. Would have been better if we had some rum or whiskey to mix inside of it. We then hailed a cab and headed back to Hotel Milano to get the sand out of my mustache.

I love the Nightlife, I love to Boogie...

Off to enjoy the second most expensive meal I've ever paid for. We walked the city, discussing all that we had experienced over the past week before settling in at Cafe La Princesa. Swanky, but comfortable. Appetizers of tostones (fried plantains) and camarones rellenos (stuffed shrimp) started us off along with a round of mojitos. I ordered the porchuga rellenos (stuffed chicken breast) with half inch thick sauteed potatoes in garlic butter [drool]. Cafe negro and what ever the Spanish word for chocolate cake is for dessert. Price wise, you can feed two people there for the same price you can feed two people at Ruth's Chris.

The cobblestone road outside the restaurant was being walked by hundreds of tourists admiring the large photo gallery on display there. Many stopped to catch one of the few street performers. The closest was a juggler. He was juggling everything: basketballs, kids, fire, knives, fireknives, etc. Once he started passing his tip jar around, we were out of there. Let's go grab us some rum and stagger back to the hotel.

The after dinner reception was held in Doc's room which overlooked the street (my room didn't even have a window). The noise of the night cubs was thumping from below. I was surprised to hear it since the town seemed to go to sleep at about 10pm during the week. Once Doc called it a night, Joshua and I headed to the street to see what was going on. Scores of beautiful Puerto Rican ladies? Not really, it was mostly drunk white girls on vacation. Back to my room (the Joe Cave) to finish off that bottle of Don Q. Talk and drink, drink and talk, talk and pass out. Always opt for the late check out.

I met Eric in the lobby in the morning. Doc and Robert had early flights and beat us to breakfast. Labombanara was rather crowded Saturday morning so Eric and I went to a place around the corner called Fefo's or something. The menu was in Spanish only, but I got the jist of what was available. Okay joint, small but good food. Check out after breakfast (noonish), then Eric and I shared a cab to the airport and said see-ya.

Joe's Travel Tip: Check your luggage through Agriculture before heading to the ticket counter. Your bags need to be scanned and have a decal placed on them before heading to the plane.

I enjoyed this trip immensely. Going with a group isn't mandatory, but I like to share my experiences with people. Some of the crew I knew before I arrived, but I quickly made friends with the one's I had not. My trip to Puerto Rico will forever be imprinted on my mind and look forward to having many experiences just like it in the future. Until next time, PEACE!

Puerto Rico '08 - Day 4

11.20.08

Rise and shine! DING-DING-DING-DING-DING!

Road Trip!

We woke up early to meet Manuel, our guide for the day, at 0830. All six of us piled into a van and began our cross country journey towards the rain forest, El Yunque (The Anvil). Manuel gave us a very detailed narration of Old San Juan, San Juan proper, and the out-lying towns as we passed them. A quick stop at a small beach which, we were told, contains sand from the Sahara desert that was brought there via hurricane. I can't help but imagine Morgan Freeman narrating a documentary on the subject.

A single grain of sand lifted by the ocean-bound African winds
is deposited in a growing storm just off the coast that crosses
the vast Atlantic Ocean. That tiny silicon particle with all it's
brothers and sisters is gently dropped on the northern shores of
Puerto Rico where it rests until it is collected by the butt crack
of some unsuspecting tourista who has come to enjoy the sunny
snorkeling haven that is the commonwealth known as the Rich Port.

Our journey took us eastward along the northern coast overlooking the ocean. We made a brief detour through the town of Loiza to visit an open-faced cave named Maria de la Cruz. Some Taino indian remains were discovered inside years ago. Definitely an exciting anthropological find. While we were there, we noticed that there was petrified firewood scattered along the cave floor. Due to the cave's secluded location, it has unfortunately become a sanctum for local drug users. Used syringes and paraphernalia can also be found along the cave floor. Luckily, I didn't contract hepatitis during my vacation... this time.

As we continued on our road trip, our guide was kind enough to acknowledge several points of interest along the way. Such as the Wal-Mart and Home Depot. If you haven't seen a Home Depot in Puerto Rico, it looks like the ones in the States except theirs has a lot of white guys hanging out front looking for construction jobs.

Onward to The Anvil

We finally arrived at El Portal Rain Forest Center (Prohibido Fumar).

Joe's Travel Tip: "Prohibido Fumar" means "If you see an ashtray, then
go ahead and toast a lung. We just can't legally tell you that it's ok to smoke here."

A video presentation in the welcome center discussed the damage that Hurricane Hugo caused to the rain forest. I bought some french fries and some ice cream, took a piss, and I was ready to exercise my mad hiking skills... ok, walking on a path skills. We were taken by van to La Mina trail where we were greeted by a large sign warning us against rabid mongooses... mongeese... no, it's mongooses. Hey, if it's foaming at the mouth, I don't care how you pronounce it.

I believe that if you simply walk the trail, then you can be done in 30 min to an hour. But you will want to take your time. It's a beautiful scene. La Mina trail follows a mountain river. The babbling of the currents along with the chirp of the coqui reminds me of background noise recordings I had heard as a kid in places like the Pink Palace in Memphis or Cumberland Science Center in Nashville. Even with the occasional hiker passing by on the trail, it is an extremely relaxing sound. We took our time walking the trail. Lauren and Joshua were even able to find a coqui under some woodland debris. It's the loudest tiny thing you'll ever see. We then happened upon La Mina Falls, a large waterfall with a natural pool at the bottom that you are welcome to take a dip in (wear your swim trunks, there's nowhere to change, just be wary that the "junk net" in your water shorts can cause some chaffing).



From La Mina Falls, we continued up the trail for some time until we encountered our guide, Manuel. You've heard of the Crocodile Hunter? Manuel is the Coqui Hunter. He had one of the minute frogs captured in a sandwich bag for us to see. He also informed us of a type of tree we had passed several times along the trail known as candlewood. The name comes from the sap that oozes from it. The sap looks and smells like candle wax and also burns much the same. It is believed that natives to the island used the sap to make torches. Neat, huh?

A few minutes later and we were at the end of the trail. Manuel then drove us down to Yokahu Tower, a large lookout tower built on the side of the mountain. You can enjoy quite a view from the top while you catch your breath from climbing EIGHT THOUSAND STAIRS! Nice view though. The weather was fantastic. There couldn't have been a more perfect ending to the day. OH WAIT! There was. Joshua received a phone call that the weather or tide conditions or shrimp migration was a reason for canceling our trip Friday to the Bioluminescent Bay in Vieques. But there was a trip we could get in on that night if we made it to Puerto Del Rey by 1600 hrs. Manuel was very accommodating and took us over for a couple bucks a head.




Small World

Puerto Del Rey is a large marina on the east side of Puerto Rico. Manuel dropped us off at the East Island Excursions platform where we signed up and paid for the coolest experience of my trip. A catamaran ride to Vieques (large island to the east) and all the rum you can drink. Rum and coke, rum punch, pina colada, rum in a cup, you name it. Our guide and bartender for the evening was Levi, a transplant from warm, exotic... Nashville? Really? I like Nashville, but I can't blame him for moving to Puerto Rico. So Levi got us moderately sauced on the 30-minute boat ride to Vieques. That catamaran can book ass across the water; I would recommend a lot of Dramamine if you get sea sick.


We dock and catch a couple shuttle buses to a restaurant. Good food, but nothing I couldn't get back home. I changed into my swim trunks and everyone got onto what looked like the Partridge Family bus, if the Partridge Family were cast in Texas Chainsaw Massacre. You may want to down any left over Dramamine you have because the "road" to the Bio Bay feels more like the earthquake ride at MGM Studios.



We get to the bay and load into an electric powered pontoon boat. Why electric?



[History Lesson] The first European explorers to the island were frightened by the eerie glow produced by the bioluminescent dinofagellates in the bay so they dropped large boulders at the mouth of the bay hoping to seal it off and dry it up. What they unintentionally did was produce an enclosed biosystem in which Mother Nature's nightlights were able to flourish. Today, the bay is environmentally protected and fuel-powered engines are greatly discouraged. [/History Lesson]

*photo by C. Eric Scott

The moon had not yet risen so the star lit night was a perfect condition for our little tour. As the boat captain trawled us around, he told us about the role that the surrounding mangrove trees played in the localized ecosystem and how they provide for a much higher salt content in the bay's water. The bioluminescent dinoflagellates (I'm just going to call them glow germs from here on out) are single celled organisms that produce an iridescent glow as they are disturbed in the water. A boat's wake, kayak paddle, or even fish darting from the pontoon will cause them to light up with a bluish-green aura. It's pretty damn cool. We anchor far off shore and el capitan asks who wants to go swimming. Doc, Joshua, and myself were the first in the water. Safety first. We polished off at least a bottle of rum between us on the ride over so everyone wears a floaty belt. The high salt content of the water helps you float as well. It was quite an experience to see the water around you light up every time you move. Even as you lift your hand from the water, a lilliputian fireworks display cascades down your arm. The temperature of the bay was perfect, and being so far from any major source of light pollution, you never would have known there were so many stars. We got to swim around a while, but all good things must come to an end. Everyone climbed back onto the pontoon and made for shore. Once back on the House of 1000 Corpses bus, a local gentleman thought it would be funny to come on board with a small rubber shark that he said he just caught in the bay. ha. What's that, Levi? It was a real shark?! They could have told us that BEFORE we got into the water. It turned out to be a small (two feet) black tip shark. They rarely bother people... I think... it was worth it anyways.